Pain in the
by Messrs. Padfoot N' Prongs
Summary: A humiliating, embarrassing, and unbecoming story that can make Sirius blush, and Sirius never blushes--unless, of course, you mention pudding, McGonagall, and fishnet stockings.
1. Chapter 1

**Pain in the…**

**Date and Time Started:** September 13, 2005 at 3:47 PM

**Date and Time Finished:** September 13, 2005 at 7:17 PM

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any characters, only the plot.

**Summary:** A very humiliating, embarrassing, and unbecoming story that still makes Sirius blush and Sirius **never**blushes. Unless you mention pudding, McGonagall, and fishnet stockings…

* * *

I, James Potter, am a changed man.

Not only am I a changed man, I am a changed man in immense pain.

Why you ask, am I in immense pain? Two words: Sirius Black.

Before the eye-rolling and mental whispers of "… typical, I should have known…" ever crosses your mind, let me explain. There is a story behind why those two words associate with my pain. A very humiliating, embarrassing, and unbecoming story that still makes Sirius blush and Sirius **never** blushes. Unless you mention pudding, McGonagall, and fishnet stockings…

... You don't want to know.

The story begins in my fifth year right after the Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. exam was finished. In my fifth year, I finally discovered what lovely creature's women truly are, and I had my sights set on one in particular: Lily Evans. The beautiful, intelligent woman with startling emerald-green eyes, curvy figure, freckled nose, and hair as vibrant as the reddish colour a sunset creates in the sky...

Now that I've had my fourteenth Day Dream about Lily today, I'll continue with my entry.

After the exam, Sirius and I were bored and went to play a harmless prank on Snivellus, the smarmy git with greasy hair, a hook nose, and was up to his eyes in the Dark Arts, who is also referred to as Severus Snape. Lily didn't approve of me "harassing" him and we got into a bit of a barmy.

… Still to this day she doesn't know how deep her painful words cut me like a knife to the throat…

After this moment in time, I finally realized I would never have a chance with her unless I grew up and transformed into a man that she could learn to love. I decided that night after the incident, that I would change, that I would grow up and become the man of Lily Evans' dreams. Because if I didn't, I knew I would be doomed to become the 90 year-old virgin. So the morning after I turned to the first person I could think of for help.

Unfortunately for me, that person turned out to be the worst help ever. **Ever**. **EVER**.

… And no, it wasn't Sirius…

… Yet anyway…

Remus Lupin, my most sensible and caring, brilliant and witty, friend and Marauder, was the first person I chose. All of sixth year, he and I spent every waking moment working on trying to deflate my ego and rid me of my pompous attitude. Remus hatched elaborate, fool-proof plans only a certain James Potter could destroy; we tested each plan on Sirius before I used them, to our surprise they worked for him. This leads us to the whole "I am James Potter and karma and fate hate me" situation that happened each time I tried out one of these plans.

So, by the end of sixth year I was teetering on the brink of insanity from the frustration of not making any progress the entire year. I ran on Lily Evans and her alone, and the stress of not having her as my girlfriend was enough to send me to Saint Mungo's Psychiatric Ward permanently.

This brings me to the source of all my pain. On the train ride home for the summer vacation before Seventh year, I finally gave up on Remus and turned to my right-hand man, my Partner in Crime, Sirius Black.

I'd just like to state that this decision marks the beginning of the end of my miserable life.

You know why that decision marks the end of my life? Because Mr. Sirius Black suggested the most vile, idiotic, and outrageous idea any of the other Marauder's and I had ever heard.

Shock Therapy.

It's too bad I'm desperate enough to go through with it.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Okay, this came to me while I was writing poetry in my room. I want at least three reviews telling me if it was good or bad. Preferably good, but you can't always get what you want… and I know it's short! Barely four pages… most like 3 ½ on Word. But I promise that the next chapter will be quadruple that!

Anyway, I'm still deciding between whether the whole story will be in James' P.O.V. or Third Person P.O.V. so suggestions would be brilliant.

CONSTRUCTIONABLE CRITISISM ONLY PLEASE! I know I am not perfect, and I know some people will sneer in disgust at my story, but be kind about it, alright? I don't need more punks ruining my day; I get enough of them at school. Also bear in mind I am in need of a Beta so if anyone is interested leave a note…

I hope you all enjoyed it! The second chapter will be posted as soon as I have three reviews!

-- Messr. Prongs


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Wow, I haven't looked at this story in ages. I lost my computer in '05 that had the next four chapters and final chapter of this story. I decided I'd attempt to revive it, as it was my baby back then. I was thirteen and now I'll be eighteen come Sept, so I like to think my writing is better. I don't know if I have as much whimsical joy as I used to though.

I want to thank everyone who reviewed this. I'm so sorry I never got back to you--I sort of gave up on this account after I lost touch with the Padfoot to my Prongs. You are all so freaking amazing. I'm so glad you liked it, even if it was short and didn't make much sense. I just want you to know that I read every single one and that I appreciate you all.

Also, I don't do the review requirement anymore. It seems silly to me now. I write for the love of writing, something I've been doing since I can remember.

If you have any questions or suggestions for plans that Remus and James or Sirius and James should try, send me a PM or email me! I'll be happy to respond. :D

Without further ado, I give you chapter two.

---

**Seventh Year Boys' Dormitory**

I, James Potter, made a very bad decision.

"Stop scratching it!"

I glared at Sirius and purposely clawed at the wires attached to my arm. "This is a stupid idea," I whined.

Sirius clicked his tongue in annoyance. "You're the one who agreed. Shut up and take it like a man, Prongsy!"

I glowered at my supposed best friend, silently commanding his head to explode.

Said best friend simply rolled his eyes and with a flip of his hair, poked my shoulder with his wand. "You look like a constipated hippo when you do that."

My glower turned into a full out Death Stare, complete with manly growl of disapproval.

Sirius clicked his tongue again. "Definitely a hippo."

Remus, who sat on his bed a few feet away, nodded solemnly in agreement.

I gave them both the finger before grabbing the curtains around my bed and shutting them closed.

Let me repeat: I, James Potter, made a decision so horrible it will haunt me for eternity.

Shock Therapy.

What in Merlin's beard convinced me to go along with such a stupid idea?

I mean, I love Lily, don't get me wrong, but I had no idea these wires would be so _itchy_. And if there's one thing I hate more than anything else is itchiness.

"C'mon Prongs, it's only a little itchy!"

I remained silent. I take that back, I think I hate Sirius the most.

"Okay, so it's really itchy but it can't be as bad as the time I gave you fleas!"

Memories from last winter with Sirius made me cringe. Nothing is worse than a flea infested, hysterical Sirius Black.

I opened my curtains a smidge, just enough for me to peer into The Lair.

Yes, we named our dormitory The Lair.

It makes it sound epic and manly, kind of like we're dragons leading back damsels in distress.

"Prongsy?"

Really, I just wanted something cool to tell Lily when I finally bring her up here to play gobstones. Just picture it, me and Lily sitting together on the floor, empty butterbeer bottles lying around us. The fire will dance--

"--Prongs--"

--in her eyes, making her face do the glowy thing I like. It makes her look like fairy or something cool like that. She'll smite me good, or at least she think she will, 'cause I'll let her win, and she'll do the cute thing with her lips when she feels--

"--I think he's having a Lily Dream--"

--particularly superior. She'll look at me and say--

"JAMES, LILY'S SNOGGING AMOS IN THE COURTYARD!"

It took me all of three seconds to understand what was said.

"WHAT?!"

I ripped the curtains open to see Peter wheezing in the doorway, making wild motions with his hands.

"I was on my way back from owling my parents when I stopped in the courtyard to get my stash of stink bombs I hid in the planters a few weeks ago. You know I like that special kind, the kind with the yellow label. They have that lingering affect that makes--"

"Get on with it man!" I shouted.

Peter had the nerve to look mildly offended by my interruption.

"Please continue Peter," Remus amended. I was too busy freaking out.

You know, the whole Lily snogging Amos thing.

"Well I was in the courtyard and I saw Lily. She's the only girl with that coloring, so I walked towards her casually, keeping tabs for James, when all of a sudden Amos Diggory comes out of no where and they start snogging!"

There was a resounding gasp from both me and Sirius--mine in horror, his in horror for me.

"Amos? She's with Amos? Since when!" I demanded. "Who's been slacking in their Lily Watching duties?"

Remus coughed.

"YOU!" I accused, thrusting a finger in his direction. "Betrayed by my own brother! How can you live knowing you've caused me so much agony? Moony, you bastard, I never want to--"

"Actually James," Remus interrupted, "I was just clearing my throat. Sirius was in charge of her dating life."

I turned to look at the suddenly quiet Sirius Black.

"Jamesy, I can explain--"

"YOU!" I thrust my finger in his direction. "Betrayed by my own brother! How can you live--"

"--Knowing I've caused you so much agony, yes, I know Prongs. You gave me this speech yesterday when I took the last of the treacle tart."

I huffed. "Well if you wouldn't cause me such agony, Padfoot, I wouldn't have to give the speech."

"You need to take charge before it's gone, Prongs!"

"I thought that's what we were doing!"

"Wait, what?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Sirius Black, you attached my charmed wires to my body that prevent me from doing anything stupid when I either a) think of Lily, b) am in the presence of Lily, or c) plot to win Lily's affections. I'm pretty sure I'm taking charge."

"Oh. We weren't arguing over treacle tart then?"

"No. Well, I mean, we were at some point, but not right now."

"Right."

The room was suddenly quiet. I turned to Remus, Peter, and finally back to Sirius. They all looked rather thoughtful--well, as thoughtful as Peter could look while gasping for air.

"What am I going to do now?" I moaned, throwing myself against my bed.

James - 0, Fate - 19014830928409328149302

Remus sighed his Now-I-Am-Going-To-Have-To-Fix-This-Mess sigh. Sirius followed suit.

Well, not really. Sirius just thinks he looks nice when he sighs.

"James, I think it's time for you--"

"I've got it!" Sirius chimed in, completely ignoring Remus. "James, you must double--no, quadruple--your wooing efforts! I did not spend three minutes reading a book on shock therapy only to see my efforts in vain!"

I lifted my head. Remus was staring back and forth between me and Sirius. I stared right back.

"James, I really think--"

"Shut up Moony, you had your chance!"

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Jamesy, listen to your dear ol' friend Sirius when I say _this will work_!"

I glanced over at Remus again, mouthing "Go For It?". He shrugged.

"It better," I conceded.

Sirius gleefully took my by the hand. "Let's practice! Moony, you be Lily. You both have the same quiet intensity that draws in the eye."

----

**Shock Therapy: **The version James is using is a bunch of wires, or wire-like things, charmed to his arms and they shock him based on his thoughts. So, if he thinks about teasing Lily, he will be shocked. If he thinks about doing something that might tick Lily off, he will be shocked. Stuff like that.

I hope you guys like it.


End file.
